Friday, September 07, 2012

Pitch Polish Blog Hop #GUTGAA




Okay, I'll try to tone down the disappointment at not getting my entry within the 100-entries limit at the #GUTGAA... I'm not trying to justify my lateness, but I do live in a different continent. Here where I am I sent it on time, but at Deana's location it was an hour too late. Anyway, now I've learned and hopefully it won't happen again in the coming weeks. 

For those of you hopping to my blog, I've got nothing but thanks. Someday, I just know, I'll be able to give you all huge hug and maybe even some chocolates. I love you from the bottom of my heart for helping me out a little here.

Okay, now that the tears are wiped, let me share the body of my (late) e-mail in case you feel like giving me your thoughts on it. Here it is:


**********************


AUTHOR'S NAME: Johana Vera
TITLE OF MANUSCRIPT: The Curse of the Seven
GENRE: YA/Paranormal
 WORD COUNT: 70.000
  
When the former Threader, the ultimate magic wielder who rules the Empire of Aragua, dies with no female heir as her successor, sisters Aria and Mara find themselves caught in the middle of a political power play that cares little about who weaves the magical threads of the world together.

After learning about the curse set upon the seven sons of the the previous Threader by a vengeful goddess and the loss of parts of the world that untangled from the original thread, the girls embarque in a crusade to put their world back in one piece, helped by two of the cursed brothers; arrogant, handsome Jael and sweet, caring Liam. Forced to face dangerous trips to unknown parts of the world, Aria finds that not only the fate of her world depends on the success of their mission, but her only sister’s life as well.

Complete at 70,000 words and with characters inspired on an old guarani tale, the story explores the doubts of sarcastic, quick-witted Aria about coming to terms with what she thought was her true call as a Sentinel, the volatile relationship with her mother and the loyalty she feels toward her sister.

First 150 Words

The day the Threader was buried, attendance to the funeral was mandatory for every citizen of the capital. Although it was supposed to be a bright early summer morning, even the sun dimmed its resplendor in respect to the person who, one way or the other, made sure its light reached the entire empire of Aragua.
As I made my way through the crowd of silent mourners, I had to struggle not to let go of Mara. My mother would kill us if we lost each other in the throng of people. She had been ridiculously reluctant to let us come to the Capital alone in the first place. That the Threader happened to die while we visited had been an unpleasant coincidence. I conveniently forgot to check in with her this morning because something in my gut told me she would not be pleased to know we came to the funeral.


**********************
Again, thank you for stopping by. And if I can help you with anything, you just say the word. 

XOXOXOXOXOXO,

Johana.

20 comments:

  1. Hey Johana!

    I'm early to your blog, but I hope that's okay. I had a few free moments and wanted to leave you my critique. :D I'm sorry you didn't make the pitch polish on time, but I'm sure you'll get lots of feedback regardless!

    When the former (DON'T THINK YOU NEED TO SAY "FORMER" HERE BECAUSE WE CAN SEE SHE DIES) Threader, the ultimate magic wielder who rules the Empire of Aragua, dies with no female heir as her successor, sisters Aria and Mara find themselves caught in the middle of a political power play (I THINK YOU COULD END THE SENTENCE HERE--THE REST OF IT DOESN'T CONVEY MUCH, AND I ALSO DIDN'T QUITE UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU MEANT--WHY AND HOW COULD THE POLITICAL POWER PLAY CARE ABOUT ANYTHING, SINCE IT'S INANIMATE?) that cares little about who weaves the magical threads of the world together.

    After learning about the curse set upon the seven sons of the the previous Threader by a vengeful goddess and the loss of parts of the world that untangled from the original thread (A REALLY LONG FIRST PART OF THIS SENTENCE. I THINK YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO SHORTEN IT AND BREAK IT INTO TWO OR THERE DIFFERENT SENTENCES), the girls embarque in a crusade to put their world back in one piece, helped by two of the cursed brothers; arrogant, handsome Jael and sweet, caring Liam. Forced to face dangerous trips to unknown parts of the world, Aria finds that not only the fate of her world depends on the success of their mission, but her only sister’s life as well. (MAYBE REWRITE MORE SUCCINCTLY, LIKE: "WHILE BRAVING VARIOUS QUESTS, ARIA FINDS THAT BOTH THE SAFETY OF HER WORLD AND HER SISTER'S LIFE DEPEND ON THE SUCCESS OF THE MISSION.")

    Complete at 70,000 words and with characters inspired on an old Guarani tale, the story explores the doubts of sarcastic, quick-witted Aria about coming to terms with what she thought was her true call as a Sentinel, the volatile relationship with her mother and the loyalty she feels toward her sister. (YOU MIGHT NOT NEED THIS PARAGRAPH FOR THIS PITCH, SINCE SHE ASKS FOR JUST THE MEAT OF YOUR QUERY.)

    Hope that helps some! :)

    Much luck,
    Adriana
    http://adrianaryan.com

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  2. I really hope this helps. I critiqued it like I would for a member of my critique group. My comments, which are optional of course, are in parenthesis until the end.

    When the former Threader, the ultimate magic wielder who rules the Empire of Aragua, dies with no female heir as her successor, sisters Aria and Mara find themselves caught in the middle of a political power play that cares little about who weaves the magical threads of the world together.
    (Typical sentence length in a query should be around 20 words. This is 50. You're trying to squeeze too much in. Break it up. I got hung up on "the former threader, the ultimate magic wielder" because it is a mouthful...maybe too much description all at once. Threader is a new term, so "former," "ultimate," and "magic" are a lot to say all at once about this person. Then you follow it with where she rules. Take out former because we know she’s died. What about: When the Threader dies without a female successor, sisters Aria and Mara… I’m not sure about “political power play” because that is vague. I do like the wording of weaves the magical threads of the world together; however, now you have magic twice in par. 1.
    Also, you might think about moving the curse up here since you’re already talking about the former Threader. Suggestion: The girls learn about the curse of a vengeful goddess that plagues the seven sons of the previous Threader. – you’d probably need more right after this as a transition into the next paragraph. Are they shocked when they learn this? Learn gets the idea across, but it's not the most exciting action verb.)
    (Suggestion for second paragraph: A political power play (or something here more specific) has untangled the threads holding the world together. – Proceed to talk about their goal to stop it from falling apart without repeating world again)
    After learning about the curse set upon the seven sons of the (delete a the) previous Threader by a vengeful goddess and the loss of parts of the world that untangled from the original thread, the girls embarque (embark on) in a crusade to put their world back in one piece, helped by two of the cursed brothers (Because the boys are only mentioned in this sentence, they don’t seem important. If you are going to put their names in here, they must be important. Consider adding them in somewhere else as well to show their relevance, or end at “brothers” and don’t mention their names); arrogant, handsome Jael and sweet, caring Liam. (Second paragraph that starts with a complex sentence where a dependent clause comes first. When…, then After… Change one up for sentence variety. Also, even with a semi-colon, this sentence is too long. So much information given that I kind of get lost in it all. You don’t want the agent to lose interest because he/she can’t follow the plotline.) Forced to face dangerous trips to unknown parts of the world, Aria finds that not only the fate of her world depends on the success of their mission, but her only sister’s life as well. (Last sentence is still on the long side, but a powerful ending!)

    Two comments on your first 150...Capital is only capitalized once...stay consistent.
    I think it'd have more impact like this:
    "She had been ridiculously reluctant to let us come to the Capital alone in the first place. I conveniently forgot to check in with her this morning because something in my gut told me she would not be pleased to know we came to the funeral.
    That the Threader happened to die while we visited had been an unpleasant coincidence."
    So, keep the parts about the mother together. Then put the Threader's death in its own paragraph because it's that important.

    Just suggestions! I know you'll get more comments to help you out, even if you didn't get in the first 100:)
    -Jenna

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  3. My comments are either in caps or parenthesis... still trying to get the hang of editing without HTML... hope it helps!

    When Threader,(I DON’T THINK YOU NEED “THE FORMER”… SHE’S DEAD… IT’S IMPLIED.) the ultimate magic wielder who rules the Empire of Aragua, dies with no female heir as her successor, sisters Aria and Mara are (Cutting "find themselves" makes it sound less like it’s just happening to them and more like they are active in their story) caught in the middle of a political power play that cares little about who weaves the magical threads of the world together.

    (My question here is are the girls on opposite sides of the struggle… meaning, are they the ones who have a claim to be the new ruler or are they peasant girls who were in the wrong place and the wrong time.)

    After learning about the curse set upon the seven sons of the the previous Threader by a vengeful goddess and the loss of parts of the world that untangled from the original thread, the girls embarque in a crusade to put their world back in one piece, helped by two of the cursed brothers; arrogant, handsome Jael and sweet, caring Liam. Forced to face dangerous trips to unknown parts of the world (why are they unknown? Have the girls never traveled beyond the borders of their village? Or something else?),
    Aria finds that not only the fate of her world depends on the success of their mission (how does she find this out? An oracle? A seer… give us just a little hint of her adventure so you can hook the reader in), but her sister’s life as well.

    (In the first paragraph, you mention Mara and Aria, making me think this could be a dual-POV narrative, but then in the next paragraph, you only mention Aria. Who is the MC in the story? If both, you might want to give us a hint as to the conflict Mara faces. If not, you might want to rearrange the first line of the query.)

    Complete at 70,000 words (I’m not an expert on word count, and there are lots of differing opinions, but this sounds a little low for a fantasy (I should add I don’t think your book is Paranormal as much as it is fantasy, so you might want to think about the genre a little). In this book, it seems like you need to not only do some world building, but some world distruction as well. If you were able to both build character and world in this few words, I bow down to you… I could never pull it off!) and with characters inspired on an old guarani tale, the story explores the doubts of sarcastic, quick-witted Aria about coming to terms with what she thought was her true call as a Sentinel, the volatile relationship with her mother and the loyalty she feels toward her sister. (This is a great example of telling, not showing. If this is what you book is about, you shouldn’t have to tell an agent at the end. Weave examples of this into the beginning of your query so they feel that tension.)

    First 150 Words

    The day the Threader was buried, even the SUMMER sun dimmed its splendor in respect to the person who, one way or the other, made sure its light reached the entire empire of Aragua.

    As I made my way through the crowd of silent (WHY ARE THEY SILENT? ARE THEY SAD, AFRAID, ETC? IT’S A BIT VAGUE) mourners, I had to struggle not to let go of MY LITTLE/BIG/TWIN Mara. My mother would kill us if we lost each other in the throng of people. She had been ridiculously reluctant to let us come to the Capital alone in the first place. That the Threader happened to die while we visited had been an unpleasant coincidence. I conveniently forgot to check in with her this morning because something in my gut told me she would not be pleased to know we came to the funeral, EVEN THOUGH ATTENDANCE WAS REQUIRED FOR EVERY CITIZEN IN THE CAPITAL.

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  4. Hello from GUTGAA- I too missed the deadline. My timing was right, but I think Deana got more submissions than she was expecting. But that's just a guess. I'm not going to read through the other comments because my thoughts are simple and I don't want them to be skewed by reading what others have already written.
    I can tell that the Threader is important, but from the pitch, I can't tell why. Who was she other than just the leader? Was she good? Did she keep things in balance? Why is a female heir so important? I assume the political issues are important, but is there some history behind the power struggle?
    Also, I think that rather than introducing new characters in the second paragraph, giving a little more depth to the sisters and their destiny/journey/crusade (I assume that without a female heir one of them could be heir) would make the pitch meatier and have the reader wanting more.
    As for the first 150 words, I love the voice of the daughter and how her "forgetting" to call her mother was not really an accident. Sounds very realistic.
    Good luck! I'm #9 in the Pitch hop if you want to visit.
    A2Z Mommy and What’s In Between

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  5. Hi Johana! I remember being excited to hear more about your folktale re-telling. Here are my comments in CAPS.

    When the former Threader, the ultimate magic wielder who rules the Empire of Aragua, dies with no female heir as her successor, sisters Aria and Mara find themselves caught in the middle of a political power play that cares little about who weaves the magical threads of the world together. THIS IS A VERY LONG AND RELATIVELY CONFUSING SENTENCE. LESS PROPER NOUNS AND MORE EVENTS.


    After learning about the curse set upon the seven sons of the the previous Threader by a vengeful goddess and the loss of parts of the world that untangled from the original thread, the girls embarque in a crusade to put their world back in one piece, helped by two of the cursed brothers; arrogant, handsome Jael and sweet, caring Liam. ANOTHER SUPER-LONG SENTENCE! Forced to face dangerous trips to unknown parts of the world, Aria finds that not only the fate of her world USE OF THE WORD WORLD TWICE depends on the success of their mission, but her only sister’s life as well. THIS NEEDS SPECIFICS. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE MOMENT-TO-MOMENT ACTION IS LIKE.


    Complete at 70,000 words and with characters inspired on an old guarani PLEASE TELL US MORE ABOUT THIS PART tale, the story explores the doubts of sarcastic, quick-witted Aria about coming to terms with what she thought was her true call as a Sentinel, I DONT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS the volatile relationship with her mother and the loyalty she feels toward her sister.


    First 150 Words


    The day the Threader was buried, attendance to the funeral was mandatory for every citizen of the capital. Although it was supposed to be a bright early summer morning, even the sun dimmed its resplendor in respect to the person who, one way or the other, made sure its light reached the entire empire of Aragua. THIS IS ALL FEELING-- SHOW ME!
    As I made my way through the crowd of silent mourners, I had to struggle not to let go of Mara. My mother would kill us if we lost each other in the throng of people. She had been ridiculously reluctant to let us come to the Capital alone in the first place. That the Threader happened to die while we visited had been an unpleasant coincidence. I conveniently forgot to check in with her this morning because something in my gut told me she would not be pleased to know we came to the funeral. I THINK YOU COULD ALSO SHOW THIS

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  6. Hey Johana, totally sucks about missing the 100 pitches but as you can see, there are plenty of us out to help regardless. So, firstly, take everything I say with a pinch of salt because I happen to still be unpublished too. Secondly, I HAVE actually managed to make it through the Query Shark archives and if you haven't done that yet it's a must. Third, I'll go with the caps thing as well.

    ***

    When the former[DON'T NEED FORMER] Threader, the ultimate magic wielder who rules the Empire of Aragua, dies with no female heir as her successor, sisters Aria and Mara find themselves caught in the middle of a political power play that cares little about who weaves the magical threads of the world together. [THIS IS A LOOOOONG SENTENCE. COULD POTENTIALLY BE CUT IN TWO]

    After learning about the curse set upon the seven sons of the the previous Threader by a vengeful goddess[COMMA] and the loss of parts of the world that untangled from the original thread, the girls embarque in a crusade[THIS PITCH TO ME FEELS MODERN BUT THE DEFINITION OF 'CRUSADE' IS A 'MEDIEVAL MILITARY EXPEDITION'. IF THIS DOESN'T FIT YOUR MS, MAYBE THINK ABOUT CHANGING, IF IT DOES - SWEET] to put their world back in one piece, helped by two of the cursed brothers; arrogant, handsome Jael and sweet, caring Liam.[ANOTHER SENTENCE THAT COULD BE SHORTENED, ALSO AS YOU HAVEN'T MENTIONED THE STAKES YET, I'M LEFT WONDERING WHY THEY'D BE THE ONES TO GO ON THE CRUSADE] Forced to face dangerous trips[COULD FIND A BETTER WORD THAN 'TRIPS'] to unknown parts of the world, Aria finds that not only the fate of her world depends on the success of their mission, but her only sister’s life as well.[I LIKE THIS SENTENCE - IT'S CLEAN, SMOOTH, AND SHOWS US THE STAKES]

    Complete at 70,000 words[COMMA] and with characters inspired on['BY' NOT 'ON'] an old guarani tale, the story explores the doubts of sarcastic, quick-witted[IF ARIA IS YOUR POV CHARACTER, INSTEAD OF TELLING US SHE'S QUICK-WITTED AND SARCASTIC, WRITE YOUR QUERY LIKE THAT TO SHOW US THAT'S WHAT WE'RE IN FOR] Aria about coming to terms with what she thought was her true call as a Sentinel, the volatile relationship with her mother[COMMA] and the loyalty she feels toward her sister.

    ***

    The thing about queries is there's no one way of doing it. Sometimes you even get completely opposite opinions which just confuses the hell out of you. Whenever I get edits from a few sources, I read over, put aside for a week, and jot down what I remembered. Those are the big things that obviously need to be changed. After that, I reread the edits and even if I don't agree with what someone has written, I acknowledge that if it's been mentioned (especially more than once) then there's something there that's causing a problem.

    For an overall 'feel' of your query, there were a few times I had to reread because of the long sentences. It sounds like a interesting premise and you've got me curious but to take it to that next level, I think you should include a few more specifics from your MS that set it apart from others.

    Hope I helped.

    Oh! And *hugs* right back :) Even the toughest-skinned of us needs a hug after multiple edits.

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  7. Okay so first of all, I loved the 150 sample words. You start at an awesome spot and it drew me in.
    The first line of the query, however, confused me. It might also be good to point out why its a danger to the sister. Then at the very end you mention the mom, but she isn't mentioned any other time. Maybe tie it to something in the beginning or take that part out.
    But the premise does sound cool and I love how you described the two brothers.

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  8. I LOVE your idea! I normally don't like YA, but this is so full of creativity. Sorry you didn't get the first 100!

    When the former (unnecessary)Threader, the ultimate magic wielder who rules the Empire of Aragua, dies with no female heir as her successor, sisters Aria and Mara find themselves caught in the middle of a political power play that cares little about who weaves the magical threads of the world together. ~*~I think you already know the length issue. My issue is the wording itself. I don't write YA, so I am probably WAY off :) Right away, I was confused. I don't know this world, what a magic wielder is or how to weave magical threads of the world. TO ME, this wording would be for someone who already knows these things. (Although, I want to learn how to weave magical threads...how cool would that be??) So perhaps, in your hook, which can be one sentence or a small paragraph of two – three sentences, rewrite using the Empire of Aragua, and concentrate on the main characters. I am assuming it is both sisters? For example, “After the death of the ruler of the Empire of Aragua dies without a female heir, sisters Aria and Mara are launched into a journey to decide the fate of their world.” Something like that. Seriously, rewrite my stuff – it was off the cuff and horrible, but I think makes my point :) Also, your next paragraph shows that the main MC is Aria, yet Mara gets some major points in your hook. This can be very confusing.

    After learning about the curse set upon the seven sons of the the previous Threader by a vengeful goddess and the loss of parts of the world that untangled from the original thread, the girls embarque in a crusade to put their world back in one piece, helped by two of the cursed brothers; arrogant, handsome Jael and sweet, caring Liam. Forced to face dangerous trips to unknown parts of the world, Aria finds that not only the fate of her world depends on the success of their mission, but her only sister’s life as well.
    ~*~The first sentence is confusing, possibly because of length. It also feels a little clunky and forced. You have a wonderful voice, use it!!! Don't be shy! And is Mara also an MC? Do both girls have a major stake in this conflict? Will the POV change between the two? You don't want to give away the farm, but do give your readers (in this case agents) a good idea of what they will be reading. It shows that Aria is the MC, but Mara gets major time in the hook. A little cleaning will help :)

    ~~~~
    The day the Threader was buried, attendance to the funeral was mandatory for every citizen of the capital. (Passive voice (was) in the first sentence – your main hook. Readers will put aside any book that doesn't catch their attention immediately.) Although it was supposed to be a bright early summer morning, even the sun dimmed its resplendor (Awkward sentence) in respect to the person who, one way or the other, made sure its light reached the entire empire of Aragua.
    ~*~I think you can tighten this first paragraph, help the reader to feel the loss. Your imagination is wonderful, show it to us!

    As I made my way through the crowd of silent mourners, I had to struggle not to let go of Mara. My mother would kill us if we lost each other in the throng of people. She had been ridiculously reluctant to let us come to the Capital alone in the first place. That the Threader happened to die while we visited had been an unpleasant coincidence. I conveniently forgot to check in with her this morning because something in my gut told me she would not be pleased to know we came to the funeral.
    ~*~This is much better! I love your voice, the wording is very strong, IMO. I love how Aria “conveniently” forgot – my own tweenie does this often (GRR!!)

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  9. Your idea is great. It's sounds like it's going to be a great story. Your pitch does need a little work. It looks like everything I'd change about the pitch has already been said by the previous commenters, so I tackle the pitch. It's good, very engaging. The biggest change I would make is in the second sentence. Have you thought dropping the first part, and starting immediately after the comma?

    Good luck in the next round :)

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  10. Okay. I’m going to approach this from a different direction. Hope you don’t mind. I think maybe you should start with your MC’s. For the purpose of my critique, I’m going to assume you’re telling the story from both their pov’s. However, I would like to say that it might be a better idea to pick the main girl (which sounds like Aria in this case) and keep the focus on her. However, for now, we’ll keep it on both girls.

    So, the first thing I want to know is who Aria and Mara are and why they find themselves caught up in this. Are they just ordinary girls or are they someone special? Do they know who they are?

    Depending on your answer to that, I might start with something like:

    Aria and Mara are two average citizens of Arugua until the day the Threader—the ultimate magic-wielder who rules the empire, dies.

    After that, I’d focus on why they are thrust into the middle of this power play. What makes them important? Why are they chosen? So maybe something like:

    When the Threader’s death leaves no female heir to take her place, Aria and Mara discover that whatever reason they are in the middle of this. With this discovery, they are thrust into the middle of…

    Okay. I’m stopping here again because “political power play” is an empty phrase. It doesn’t really tell us anything. What are they thrust into the middle of? What exactly is at stake here? What do they need to do?
    So, now you have the who, what and why, you need to tell us a little more about their conflict.

    After learning about the curse set upon the seven sons of the the previous Threader by a vengeful goddess and the loss of parts of the world that untangled from the original thread, the girls embarque in a crusade to put their world back in one piece.

    If at all possible, I’d focus on the main conflict out of this sentence. Is the world unraveling because of this curse? If so, maybe something like:

    When they learn that the Threader was cursed and that parts of the magical threads that hold their world together are unraveling the girls must…

    Stopping here again. Embark on a dangerous mission is another one of those phrases that doesn’t really tell us anything. What—exactly—do they have to do to fix their world? The girls must…accomplish blank.

    After that, maybe something like: Along the way they are joined by the cursed brothers of the Threader, arrogant, handsome Jael and sweet, caring Liam.

    Forced to face dangerous trips to unknown parts of the world, Aria finds that not only the fate of her world depends on the success of their mission, but her only sister’s life as well.

    Here, I want to know why they are forced to face dangerous trips to unknown parts. Who is forcing them? What will the trip accomplish? Do they need to find something? Fight someone? Give us the crux of their situation.
    So something like:

    Blank forces them to journey to blank to find blank.

    After that, it gets a little sticky because we’ve been referring to both of them throughout the query, but suddenly are focusing on just one of them. It makes it read strangely. Either focus mainly on Aria for the whole query, or focus on them both, but try not to switch it at the end. If you choose to focus on Aria you could end with something like:

    As their journey continues, Aria must face the reality that this isn’t just a mission to save their world—it’s a mission to save her only sister’s life.

    I have to finish this in the next post cause it was super long. SORRY!!

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  11. I truly hope you don't mind me taking your whole query apart. I'm really just trying to help. This actually took me forever because, the first time I did it, the whole thing erased when my computer died as it was posting. I was SO mad. haha. But then I did it all again cause I didn't want to have done all that for nothing. :)

    Anyway, I think you have a really neat concept and I thought that, rather than just taking some words out or whatever, I’d give you some ideas on approaching it from a whole different perspective. Of course, it’s all subjective, so take what you want from this and leave the rest.I really hope this helps!!

    As far as the first 150, I really liked it, but I agree with the above poster that the second paragraph was stronger. That actually seemed like a really great starting place to me, if you tweaked the ending just a tiny bit. IE:

    As I made my way through the crowd of silent mourners, I had to struggle not to let go of Mara. My mother would kill us if we lost each other in the throng of people. She had been ridiculously reluctant to let us come to the Capital alone in the first place. That the Threader happened to die while we visited had been an unpleasant coincidence. I conveniently forgot to check in with her this morning because something in my gut told me she would not be pleased to know we came to the funeral. I don't think she'd even care that the Capital made attendance mandatory.

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  12. P.S. I realized this one sentence seemed pretty unclear and confusing. Sorry.

    When the Threader’s death leaves no female heir to take her place, Aria and Mara discover that...

    That's how I should have written it. The rest of the sentence you'd fill in with whatever reason they are in the middle of this.

    With this discovery, they are thrust into the middle of…

    Also, I meant to say the cursed sons of the Threader, not cursed brothers. It's almost 4am. I think I should go to bed now. haha

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  13. Instead of line edits, I'm going to sum up my thoughts on your query/pitch.

    Interesting premise, but the query doesn’t really explain what happens in the book. I am left with many questions.

    Why do you say that the Threader dies with no female heirs vs no heirs. Because the previous Threader had sons, I assume s/he also died with no female heir. Is the femal part key? If so, why did someone bother to curse the sons?

    In the second paragraph, you say that Aria finds out that her only sister’s life may be at stake. This whole time, I’ve assumed that sisters Aria and Mara were it…no other siblings. Now I’m wondering if they have brothers…a question that probably means nothing to the story.

    I don’t know the life expectancy of the people of Aragua, but if the current Threader died, I’m assuming that s/he was 60-90 human years. If the previous Threader had sons, that would make them about the same age…and yet, I assume the sons are supposed to be romantic interests for the young Aria and Mara.

    In your last paragraph you sum up the story, but I want to know more about those plot points. Why not put them in the body of the query rather than making them an after thought?

    Why are they forced on a trip? Why is it dangerous? Why doesMara’s life depend on the success of their mission?

    Like your first 150 words.

    Hope this helps.

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  14. When the former Threader, the ultimate magic wielder who rules the Empire of Aragua, dies with no female heir as her successor, sisters Aria and Mara find themselves caught in the middle of a political power play that cares little about who weaves the magical threads of the world together.

    THIS SENTENCE IS MUCH TOO LONG. I AGREE WITH THE ABOVE COMMENTS ABOUT DROPPING THE WORD FORMER, BUT THAT'S JUST A START. ALSO, BY DEFINITION, POLITICAL POWER PLAYS DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING BECAUSE THE POWER PLAY (AN ACTION OR PLOT) IS NOT A SENTIENT BEING. GIVE US THE ANTAGONIST, NOT A DISEMBODIED ACTION.


    After learning about the curse set upon the seven sons of the the previous Threader by a vengeful goddess and the loss of parts of the world that untangled from the original thread, the girls embarque in a crusade to put their world back in one piece, helped by two of the cursed brothers; arrogant, handsome Jael and sweet, caring Liam. Forced to face dangerous trips to unknown parts of the world, Aria finds that not only the fate of her world depends on the success of their mission, but her only sister’s life as well.

    WOW. THAT FIRST SENTENCE IS ANOTHER JAW BREAKER. YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET THE WHOLE STORY IN A SINGLE SENTENCE.

    Complete at 70,000 words and with characters inspired on an old guarani tale, the story explores the doubts of sarcastic, quick-witted Aria about coming to terms with what she thought was her true call as a Sentinel, the volatile relationship with her mother and the loyalty she feels toward her sister.

    TRY TO SIMPLIFY THIS. WHO IS THE MAIN CHARACTER AND WHY SHOULD WE CARE ABOUT HER?

    WHAT DOES SHE WANT OR WHAT PROBLEM DOES SHE FACE?

    WHAT OBSTACLES STAND IN HER WAY?

    WHAT HAPPENS IF SHE FAILS?

    AND GIVE A FEW PERTINENT DETAILS TO MAKE THOSE THINGS COME ALIVE.

    First 150 Words


    The day the Threader was buried, attendance to the funeral was mandatory for every citizen of the capital. Although it was supposed to be a bright early summer morning, even the sun dimmed its resplendor THE WORD IS SPLENDOR, NOT RESPLENDOR in respect to the person who, one way or the other, made sure its light reached the entire empire of Aragua.
    As I made my way through the crowd of silent mourners, I had to struggle not to let go of Mara. My mother would kill us if we lost each other in the throng of people. She had been ridiculously reluctant to let us come to the Capital alone in the first place. That the Threader happened to die while we visited had been an unpleasant coincidence. I conveniently forgot to check in with her this morning because something in my gut told me she would not be pleased to know we came to the funeral. IN THE PREVIOUS PARAGRAPH, YOU TOLD US THAT ATTENDANCE WAS MANDATORY, SO WHY WOULD THEIR MOTHER BE UPSET THAT THEY OBEYED THE LAW?

    I'M NOT REALLY GETTING A SENSE OF THE MAIN CHARACTER IN THIS SAMPLE. GRANTED, IT CAN ONLY BE A SUPERFICIAL SENSE IN THIS SMALL A SAMPLE, BUT I WANT SOMETHING THAT HELPS ME CONNECT AND CARE. WITH THAT IN MIND, IT'S POSSIBLE THAT YOU HAVEN'T STARTED IN THE BEST PLACE.

    HOPE THIS HELPS. IT SOUNDS LIKE AN INTERESTING STORY.

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  15. Wow! This sounds like a great premise! I'm so late coming in to help, and most of what I saw in the query has been pointed out. But I did notice the 2nd paragraph, first sentence:

    After learning about the curse set upon the seven sons of the the ("the" is written twice)previous...

    Hope to get some critiques on mine, so if you happen to get some extra time, I would love your thoughts.

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  16. I like the concept and the retelling of myths or legends from your culture is a great notion. The query had a bit too much specific information, especially in the opening sentences. Of course, take this with a grain of salt - I'm querying, too! May you have the best of all things!

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  17. Hi, I'm a fellow GUTGAA bloghopper. First, I LOVE your premise. Sounds super cool. I think you can tighten the query a bit - try to take off weak words (was, were, that, of, there, etc.) and work on the flow. But overall it was good. And I have no crit on the first 150 - really nice. Good luck!

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  18. This is such an interesting premise! You have a great voice!

    I feel though that the query was vague! It jumped from Aria and Mara to the two boys and I'm finding myself a little lost in the connection between the two sets of characters. I wonder if restructuring the query so that the second paragraph is the first would make it sound clearer?

    I also feel that the mission itself is vague and you might need to make that specific. What do they have to do exactly to make this world come together?

    Re: your 150, the second paragraph was a little disjointed. "That the Threader happened to die while we visited had been an unpleasant coincidence. I conveniently forgot to check in with her this morning because something in my gut told me she would not be pleased to know we came to the funeral." <---These two sentences totally took me out of the feeling of Aria not wanting to lose Mara in the crowd.

    I hope these comments help, even a little! Good luck with everything!

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  19. When the former Threader, the ultimate magic wielder who rules the Empire of Aragua, dies with no female heir as her successor, sisters Aria and Mara find themselves caught in the middle of a political power play that cares little about who weaves the magical threads of the world together. INTERESTING, ALTHOUGH I THINK YOU COULD BREAK UP THIS SENTENCE FOR QUICKER READING.

    After learning about the curse set upon the seven sons of the the previous Threader by a vengeful goddess and the loss of parts of the world that untangled from the original thread, the girls embarque in a crusade to put their world back in one piece, helped by two of the cursed brothers; arrogant, handsome Jael and sweet, caring Liam. OK WAIT... WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE FIRST SENTENCE? YOU NEED TO LINK THEM TOGETHER OR PICK ONE STORYLINE TO FOCUS ON. Forced to face dangerous trips to unknown parts of the world, Aria finds that not only the fate of her world depends on the success of their mission, but her only sister’s life as well. HMM... SOUNDS INTERESTING, BUT YOU NEED TO EXPAND ON THE CONFLICT. WHAT'S THEIR SPECIFIC GOAL? AND WHAT'S KEEPING THEM FROM IT? AND THEN LETTING US KNOW THE STAKES (MARA POSSIBLY DYING) MAKES FOR A GOOD HOOK.

    Complete at 70,000 words and with characters inspired on an old guarani tale, the story explores the doubts of sarcastic, quick-witted Aria about coming to terms with what she thought was her true call as a Sentinel, the volatile relationship with her mother and the loyalty she feels toward her sister. THIS PARAGRAPH SHOULD BE ABOUT THE NAME, GENRE, WORD COUNT. ANYTHING ELSE IN HERE SHOULD EITHER HAVE MADE IT INTO THE QUERY OR BEEN CUT OUT.

    First 150 Words

    The day the Threader was buried, attendance to the funeral was mandatory for every citizen of the capital. I SUGGEST YOU PUT "ATTENDENCE TO THE FUNERAL WAS MANDATORY" FIRST. MAKES THE READER WONDER WHO'S FUNERAL AND WHY. => DRAWS THE READER IN. Although it was supposed to be a bright early summer morning, <= THIS SECTION CAN GO. Even the SUMMER sun dimmed its resplendor "IT'S RESPLENDOR" CAN GO. in respect to OF the person who, one way or the other, made sure its light reached the entire empire of Aragua.

    I made my way through the crowd of silent mourners, CLUTCHING MARA'S HAND FEARING THE CONSEQUENCES IF I LOST HER IN THE THRONGS. My mother MY MOTHER CREATES DISTANCE. ARE YOU TRYING TO HAVE ARIA BE THE NARRATOR? BECAUSE IF NOT, "MOTHER" OR "MOM" WOULD WORK BETTER. would kill us. She had been ridiculously reluctant to let us come to the Capital alone in the first place. That the Threader happened to die while we visited had been an unpleasant coincidence. I conveniently forgot to check in with her this morning because something in my gut told me she would not be pleased to know we came to the funeral.

    Interesting premise and first 150. Hope my crits help. :-)

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  20. I can picture everything that is happening. I'm wondering why her mother would be mad, also, especially if it was the Law, but I figure you only had 150 words and that is part of the development of the story. And it keeps me hanging on, like I want to read more.

    My advice would be to pretend you are standing where you put yourself in the Scene. Then describe it as if it is a movie. I'd like to visualize the planet, the air, the sky, the smells, and more of a sense of the crowd that you allude to....there is a lot going on but it is all good stuff!

    Hope this is a gentle help from some one who just wants to know more! Your writing style is beautiful and you need to keep at it....I usually do not like Science Fiction at all, but I can tell you that I would read your book. I especially like that a female is the main character, and she seems defiant, independent, yet responsible at the same time. I like all of that. Is she also going to be a good Leader? I can't wait to see! Muaaah!

    Dr Margaret Aranda
    From Menses to Menopause: A Journey Through Time
    http://drmargaretaranda.blogspot.com/2012/09/from-menses-to-menarche-journey-through.html

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