Hello, my lovelies! I've taken all your advice on my previous post and this is what came up. Feel free to point out things that still aren't working. Again, thank you all for being so amazingly awesome *virtual hugs*
TITLE OF
MANUSCRIPT: The Curse of
the Seven
GENRE: YA/Fantasy
WORD COUNT: 80.000
Seventeen year-old Aria’s plans for becoming a Sentinel come to a halt
when her twin sister Mara connects with the magical threads of their world, turning into the first Threader out of royal bloodline in the history of Aragua.
But some threads of Aragua are untangling, losing pieces of the world to
different dimensions. It all turns out to be part of a curse set upon the
former Threader Karena by a vengeful goddess. Aria realizes that not only the
Empire is in danger but her only sister’s life as well: Mara’s mission of
weaving the threads together is at risk.
To top it off, Aria is supposedly destined to bring the missing pieces back.
She cares little about superstitions and myths, but when her sister weakens and falls
into uninterrupted sleep, she knows at least she has to try.
Being the last links to the original curse, Karena’s seven sons are essential
in solving the issue with the threads. Aria begrudgingly accepts the help of the
two most solicitous brothers; arrogant, handsome Jael and sweet, caring Liam. The trio tracks down the missing pieces of land, uncovering in the process a centuries-old plot to break the Threader's bloodline.
With characters inspired by the old guarani tale of Tau and Kerana, The Curse of the Seven
is finished at 80,000 words and has series potential.
First 150 Words
The day the
Threader was buried, attendance to the funeral was mandatory for everyone over
eighteen at the Capital.
As I made my way
through the crowd of silent mourners, I struggled not to let go of Mara. My
mother would kill us if we lost each other in the throng of people.
She’d been ridiculously reluctant to let us come to the Capital alone for the Sentinel’s Yearly Recruitment
Assembly. Threader Karena dying while we visited had been an unpleasant
coincidence.
I conveniently
forgot to check in with her this morning because something in my gut told me
she would not be pleased to know we smuggled our way into the funeral. Call it
instinct.
I wanted to be a
part of the procession so bad because I was morbidly curious to see which one
of Karena’s daughters-in-law became now
our sole ruler. Mara thought I was crazy, yet she came with me.
Seventeen year-old Aria’s plans for becoming a Sentinel come to a halt when her twin sister Mara connects with the magical threads of their world, turning into the first Threader out of royal bloodline in the history of Aragua.
ReplyDelete(This sentence is really long and you have five proper nouns in it, which can be overwhelming. Try something like this, Seventeen-year-old Aria’s plans to become a Sentinel come to a halt when her twin sister is magically selected to be the new queen of their land. They only problem: she’s not a royal. I get a very Wizard’s Cup feel from this… when Harry Potter is chosen, but he didn’t put his name in the cup… very cool. )
SUGGESTED SENTENCE: When Aria discovers her sisters selection is part of a vengeful goddess’ curse, she must {insert what she has to do} in order to repair the magical threads that bind her world together and save her sister.
{But when her sister falls into an deep sleep, Aria has no choice but to accept} the help of two solicitous brothers; arrogant, handsome Jael and sweet, caring Liam {who agree to help her} track down the missing pieces of land and weave them back together. {Along the way they uncover a centuries-old plot to break the Threader's bloodline forever. [Insert what role she or her sister plays in the plot, if they do. Give another “cliff hanger” ending.]}
{Don’t include the word count line for this pitch contest or you will be disqualified.}
Comments Overall, your query still read like a synopsis. I took the liberty of trying to use your words and tighten up the story, but obviously, having to read the story, I probably got many details wrong. The point of a query it to QUICKLY tell the agent what your MC wants, why she wants it and what’s potentially going to stop her from getting it. Query letters are harder than writing an entire novel, in my opinion. Keep working at it, read other letters and learn from them. I think it’s come a long way, but there’s still some more tweaking to do.
First 150 Words
The day the Threader was buried, attendance to the funeral was mandatory for everyone over eighteen at the Capital. {One thought I had about this is that “The Capitol” was used in the Hunger Games, and while the words are different, this came to mind when I was reading it. … not saying you should change it. Just something to think about. And one more thing, your MC is 17, but the way you open this sounds like she’s 18. Later you go on to say they smuggled their way in… it reads inconsistently. }
As I made my way through the crowd of silent mourners, I struggled not to let go of {my twin sister}, Mara. {Mother} would kill us if we lost each other in the throng of people.
She’d been reluctant to let us come to the Capital alone for the Sentinel’s Yearly Recruitment Assembly. {Why? Is the Capital a bad place?} Threader Karena dying while we visited had been an unpleasant coincidence.
I conveniently forgot to check in with her this morning because something in my gut told me she would not be pleased to know we smuggled our way into the funeral. {How is she supposed to check in with her mother? This might be a great place to let the reader know what “time” this story is taking place. And, were 17 year olds not allowed to the funeral? Call it instinct. First you say something in my gut then you say call it instinct. I think you can cut the last line and the message still gets across. Or add something like, “Of course, mother is rarely pleased with anything.”}
I wanted to be a part of the procession so bad because I was morbidly curious to see which one of Karena’s daughters-in-law became now our sole ruler. Mara thought I was crazy, yet she came with me.
{I would write the above paragraph like this:
Mara thought my morbid curiosity of which of Karena’s daughters-in-law would become the sole leader of our land was crazy, but I couldn’t help it. {insert why she couldn’t help it/what drew her to this crowd}.
Wow. Okay, can I just say you have really taken all your previous feedback on board. This is eons better. You've focused on one central character and given us the stakes. Nice. I just have some very minor notes.
ReplyDeleteSeventeen year-old Aria’s plans for becoming a Sentinel come to a halt when her twin sister Mara connects with the magical threads of their world, turning into the first Threader out of royal bloodline in the history of Aragua. [I'D PROBABLY SEPARATE THIS INTO TWO SENTENCES TO HELP FLOW]
But some threads of Aragua are untangling, losing pieces of the world to different dimensions. [NICE]It all turns out to be part of a curse set upon the former Threader Karena by a vengeful goddess. Aria realizes that not only the Empire is in danger but her only sister’s life as well: Mara’s mission of weaving the threads together is at risk.
To top it off, Aria is supposedly destined to bring the missing pieces back. She cares little about superstitions and myths, but when her sister weakens and falls into uninterrupted ['UNINTERRUPTED' ISN'T A STRONG ENOUGH WORD] sleep, she knows at least she has to try.
Being the last links to the original curse, Karena’s seven sons are essential in solving the issue with the threads. Aria begrudgingly accepts the help of the two most solicitous brothers; arrogant, handsome Jael and sweet, caring Liam. [CUT THE DESCRIPTIONS OF THE TWO BOYS. GO FROM 'BROTHER' PERIOD, NEW SENTENCE]The trio tracks down the missing pieces of land, uncovering in the process[DON'T NEED 'IN THE PROCESS'] a centuries-old plot to break the Threader's bloodline.
With characters inspired by the old guarani tale of Tau and Kerana, The Curse of the Seven is finished at 80,000 words and has series potential.
You have yourself a really solid query but I think you should par down on the character names. You have five there and expecting an agent to be able to keep track of five people in a short pitch (as well as all the place names) is a big ask.
Just wanted to thank you for your thoughts on my query and first 150 words of MAYBE FOREVER on the GUTGAA site! You've been very helpful. If you have the time, check out my blog.
ReplyDeleteJadziabrandli.blogspot.com
Oh, and in honor of being the first to crit my query and first 150 *mwahaha* I've tagged you for The Next Big Thing! Go ahead and check out my blog, then answer the questions for your project!
ReplyDelete