First Page Critique - The Haunted Clinic and Contest

So I run into a bit of unexpected trouble, and it caused me to delay my scheduled first-page post. If I told you about it, you wouldn’t believe me. It involved a broken internet satellite, some burned cookies and a dog. You get the picture, I’m sure.

Anyway... Here it is. The dreaded First Page (capitals felt necessary). I hope it’s not too late and there are some of you kind spirits that would aid me in my hour of need. I promise to return the favor as soon as I get rid of the burned-cookies smell that plagues my apartment after a whole week of the previously mentioned but not quite explained incident. And you know what’s the fun part? It’s not even a joke.

Now let’s get down to bussiness...

Chapter One (First Page)

The day the Threader was buried, attendance to the funeral was mandatory for everyone over eighteen at the Capital.

As I made my way through the crowd of silent mourners, I struggled not to let go of Mara. Mother would kill us if we lost each other in the throng of people. She’d been reluctant enough to let us come to the Capital alone for the Sentinel’s Yearly Recruitment Assembly. Threader Karena dying while we visited had been an unpleasant coincidence.

I conveniently forgot to check in with her this morning because something told me she would not be pleased to know we smuggled our way into the funeral. Call it an educated guess.

Good thing our little town was hours away or else I'd fully expect her to come drag us back home.

The procession was slow and tortured. Most citizens didn’t know the Threader personally, but her good actions toward the people were notorious. You could feel it in the air, the heartbreak of the people.

I admit it. I wasn’t so much sad as I was morbidly curious to see which one of Karena’s daughters-in-law became now our sole ruler.

I wanted to be a part of the procession so bad that Mara thought I was crazy, yet she came with me.

The selection was supposed to take place the minute the former Threader was buried; we couldn’t afford to be unprotected any longer than necessary. And rumor had it, it was a spectacle to behold; that the magic threads and different layers of the world made themselves visible not only to the new Threader, but to everyone near her. 

I glanced back, and saw the face of my fair-skinned sister drenched in sweat, strands of red hair sticking to her forehead, even with the dull sunlight painting the town grey. Mara had always had a delicate complexion, and while it did not in any measure mar her stunning features, it did prove to be a disadvantage when physical activity was involved. Her cheeks were flushed and if I didn’t know her like I do, I’d say she was excited to be here, which she wasn't in the least. But we were a team. She had to come with me, just as I went with her to that boring theater function the other night. She’d been ecstatic.