First of all, thank you all who've been kind enough to give my last query a read and suggestions. Here’s the newest version.
What do you think, minions and supervillains?
What do you think, minions and supervillains?
Dear Supervillain:
Seventeen year-old Aria’s plans for becoming a Sentinel come to a halt when her twin
sister Mara connects with the magical threads of their world, becoming the new
Threader of Aragua. The problem? They are not royals.
Some threads of Aragua are untangling, losing pieces
of the world to different dimensions. Aria discovers her world is dying because
of a curse set by a vengeful goddess.
In her search for answers, she walks straight into the
heart of the curse, which links the seven sons of a past Threader to the
original curse. She begrudginly accepts the help of the two most solicitious
brothers. Together, they track down the missing pieces of land, uncovering a
centuries-old plot to break the Threader’s bloodline.
With characters inspired by the old guarani tale of
Tau and Kerana, The Curse of the Seven is finished at 80,000 words and has
series potential.
Hey from another minion! I think this sounds great! I haven't read the other incarnations, but this one sounds pretty solid to me. My only question is can you be a bit more specific when you say she walks into the heart of the curse? Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThis is it and if not it's so close you can touch it!
ReplyDeleteYou checked out Sharon's blog today didn't you. The Query Formula she posted really works doesn't it.
I'm posting my new version at midnight. I hope it's as good as yours!
The only thing that gives me puase here is the mention of the curse.
ReplyDeleteNot sure how she walks straight into the heart of the curse. But the bit that throws me the most is the mention of an "original curse". Which makes me think of there being an older curse as well as a new one that Aria's struggling to break.
But I'm not certain if that's right.
Johana! Wow, you have done a great job spicing this up! I only have one sentence: "she walks straight into the heart of the curse, which links the seven sons of a past Threader to the original curse." This sentence is a bit confusing, I think reword it just a little bit, and you'll have hit the nail on the head...just so you know, I did the fist pump, knee jerk to your query! YES!
ReplyDeleteI think it's perfect. The improvements are
ReplyDeleteawesome:) it's amazing what a little tweaking can do:)
Everyone else seems very happy with this, so feel free to go with majority rules. :) My biggest issue is that I'm hit with a lot of terms I don't understand right out of the gate.
ReplyDelete"Seventeen year-old Aria’s plans for becoming a Sentinel come to a halt when her twin sister Mara connects with the magical threads of their world, becoming the new Threader of Aragua. The problem? They are not royals."
I don't understand "Sentinel" "magical threads" "Threader of Aragua" or "royals" (in this context). In my opinion, it would work better if you simplified this first section and made it more universally understandable. Can "plans for becoming a Sentinel" be replaced with an detail about her that is more universal? I'm willing to accept "magical threads of their world" if you remove a lot of the other fantasy concepts from the first paragraph.
Maybe it's just me. :) I do think this has promise. I like the idea of alternative universes and the relationships between the sisters.
I think this story sounds very exciting, and the query is well done. I do have to echo Sharon, though, as the terms that you use are a bit overwhelming/confusing. I thonk I would also put a genre at the end of the query. But, it flows nicely, and the plot definitely sounds intriguing! Good job!
ReplyDeleteThis sounds so intriguing!
ReplyDeleteI love how the first paragraph ends-- with saying that they aren't royals. That hints at so much conflict! I would love if the significance of that is brought out in the second paragraph. (Or at least the way that links to the events in the second paragraph.) Overall, fabulous job!